I feel ready to be back, again. Coming back to the page is the physical and visual expression of me connecting with myself again. I go through waves and cycles of being ready to reflect and be connected. In the past few months, I have felt a new kind of disconnection from myself. It's new because it wasn't something I necessarily lamented, even though it was not easy. There was something inside me that was not able to control myself, and neither did I want to. Sometimes, I go through such phases of disconnection and feel extreme emotions of depression. But this time, things feel like they are floating by. There is sadness, there is death around me. And maybe it's my way of distancing. I don't know. But, in these periods, I appreciate, and miss the moments of connection with myself.
I miss translating thoughts into words, I miss trying to capture how I feel into language, I miss images that come to mind when I try to express myself. I miss writing without being self conscious. I miss a quiet night where all I want to do is to be alone with myself.
Why this doesn't happen more often, I dont know. But one thing I know is I have stopped writing, when thoughts are circular. I remember when I was around 16, and I looked at my diary and realized that each day, I was expressing the same angst. And I felt silly :) And so, I am going to try not to do that when I realize that I am doing it. And I hope my friends can be honest enough with me to tell me when I do too:)
There are some circular thoughts in my mind. I have found myself needing to talk about certain things alot. I have found myself not moving forward. And I think I am not moving forward because I havent changed my perspectives on certain relationships. I am stuck. I want to move on.
So much about me on this post. So many "I"s. Yes, I am curious about myself these days. I am allowing myself to change. It is something I havent done in a while. It is a change that is happening within myself because of the changes that have taken place in my political life in the past 2 years. Not all of this is good. I am trying to figure out how to make the best of this. But I am changing, and I am realizing that. It's a weird feeling. I dont have control, and I am curious. Sometimes hopeful. Sometimes not. I have some people around who ground me. I am thankful for them.
Also, I wanted to recommend this awesome piece. I hope to return to these precious words later: