Sorry for this angst-y moments!
I have been feeling like I am getting the beat down, and GETTING beaten down at work.
This is very hard. Being a worker-militant ---> means you SURVIVE work everyday AND! have to have a clear mind to organize, which means you need to NOT bring the short-term drama of everyday work life and let it disproportionately affect the strategizing! Ok, break it down --> It means I need to not be fucking PISSED OFF and ANGRY and EMO!!!
I hate hate hate the m-fucking bosses. I hate them. They willy nilly pissy wissily got me and other CNAs into trouble. They made us sign that we neglected our residents --- when they actually NEVER PROVIDE THE RESOURCES FOR ME TO GIVE GOOD CARE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I am so mad! Yes, I didnt change the resident every 2 hours and thats neglect, but you know what? 11 residents to 1 CNA is neglect too!! And when you do that to extract $$ and make more profit, thats even worse!! IT'S NOT OUR FAULT!! ITS THE GODDAMN FUCKING MANAGEMENT! and they threatened to take our licenses away. I am so angry!!! This is what happens when management, the state, and capitalism MONOPOLIZE and DEFINE what "care" and "neglect" means. From their standpoint, they PIMP care out of us working bodies under the conditions of REPRESSION, SPEED UP, and basically, a COMMODIFICATION OF ALL OF US, the elderly included!!
Sorry for the rant. Yesterday was a very hard day. Add to that, I had to fight to get protective gear for working with a resident who had C diff -- a contagious illness. The lady was pooping wetness out of her rear end uncontrollably, and also puking! But my nurse and charge nurse insisted that I did not need any protective gear -- no gown, no masks. I had to fight and argue with them for it. And it took about 2 hours before it got to me -- and in the meantime, the housekeeper was the one who gave us the supplies she had stored in her closet. I hate management. They think our lives are like dog lives. They dont care about our health, our well being. What does it mean that I even have to fight to get a cheap-ass gown and mask when dealing w someone w a contagious condition.
Is this what it means to win small struggles on the job?
I hadnt blogged about this yet, but we got them to give us standard break times and permission to GO ON BREAK! at designated times. This feels so small given the amount of daily stress and struggle we had to go through to get it.
I HATE THEM!!!
And add to that, I have realized this past year that my body reacts to stress. When I get stressed out, I have difficulty breathing. All is all, this made yesterday a very awful day.
I have been trying to talk w K and S, two janitors at the local university whom I have done a lot of organizing with. What reading Capital, or Marx at the Margins doesnt give me, is the emotional resilience I need, the calmness I need, to get through the work day. I am just, angry. Really really wiped out by anger and disgust. It feels like a tired refrain at this point, and it feels tiring too.
But K had some wise words for me yesterday. He said that I need to not feel angry, because it is such a taxing emotion, that if I let it get to me everyday at work, I WILL GIVE UP.
I feel that, and thats why I need their wise words to teach me how to survive. I feel like a fucking young ass militant. I spout theory and history, but fuck, I am struggling to get through my 9th month of being a CNA, my 3rd month of being a workplace militant.