update 1/22/2011

Havent written in a long time cos real life world was sort of really tumultuous.

I decided to leave a group that I had been a part of for 5 years. It was for both personal and political reasons. I hope to put out something formal and public about this resignation soon. What matters is that for the past 4/5 months I had been stuck in a emotionally and mentally draining state of mind because of organizational lack of transparency, miscommunication and mistrust among members. It culminated into a poisonous and unhealthy atmosphere for me. When I asked for space to discuss/asked for support for my workplace organizing (which was an attempt to implement our class struggle politics, in practice), because this was completely new for me and I needed help navigating this new political project, I was accused of many unpleasant things. Zero support from a revolutionary organization that claims to be for class struggle at the point of production. There is a difference between theory and practice. For my own mental and emotional well being, I had to let go. The group that had once been my source of political strength had now became a burden that sucked my energies dry and led me into self-doubt and confusion in a very unconstructive way. We'll see where this road takes me. I still believe in revolutionary organization. Still believe in class struggle politics, in gender liberation and anti-racism and disabilities justice, and all the good hard things. Organization is a home that revolutionaries belong to. I left this one. It is sad and painful. But I need to be moving forward, moving, moving. I hope to build another home, another organization.

At work, I am just trying to survive the everyday now. I got a target on my back everyday and even when I am working constantly and getting the job done, the first words out of my nurse's mouth are always to imply that I am lazy or stupid. It is a daily wearing down. That's because they want to see me run around like a mad dog, taking their orders enthusiastically and rushing to get them done, skipping breaks if necessary. But I walk along the hallways, not run, and make sure to take my breaks. I talk back not for the sake of it (though that would be a good reason too!), but cos I wont let them blame all their shit on me or my coworkers, or stay silent when they contradict themselves in the same sentence and try to bamboozle us with their English. They hate me for being literate, and for being able to speak English.

This time round, the struggle feels more alone. They have intimidated so many of my coworkers. I keep telling myself not to stick out like a sore thumb cos then my head gets chopped off first. But I can't shut up cos they keep fucking up and trying to pin shit on me and my coworkers. Ahhh!

At some point, I want to write more about my supervisor/nurse, who is also ethnic Chinese and speaks Mandarin, like myself (though she is from a different country from me). She plays patronage/ethnic politics with me and I hate it. We are the only people who speak Mandarin in the workplace, which is predominantly Filipino and Ethiopian. The 2 sides of patronage politics are that it tries on the one hand to give people involved a way up the ladder/special treatment, but on the other hand, is based completely on familiar/familial ties and thus lends to abusiveness. Urgh. My nurse yells at me in Chinese, where nobody can understand, and tells me I am dumb and lazy. She thinks she can do that with me because we are both Chinese and she is "helping me learn." But damn! I am a fucking CNA, not a nursing student! And she can't shirk her own responsibilities on the job under the pretext of wanting me to learn the ropes! I already have hella work to do and I dont need to do hers too! I respond in English and tell her I dont want to speak in Chinese with her anymore. Dont give me any of that "we are one people" kinda bull. It's all on her terms and I want none of that game with flimsy rules. Call me naive. I'd take that over being so politically savvy that I get caught in a fucking web and can't figure out who I am. That's also it for any recommendations from this damn place for new jobs/nursing school. She was my one ally in management. But the woman kept trying to play it like she was doing me a favor when I know! I am a good worker.

It all started when one day, when we were short, I told her firmly I wouldnt be able to get the job done on time. Politely, but firmly. And she said I gotta change my attitude and whether we are short or not, she wants me to be enthusiastic and have a great attitude -- which means I need to run around, and not *look* relaxed.


One small thing led to another. She started telling me (and fucking stressing the shit out of me) that her boss always asks her about my work, about my attitude, whether I fuck up, and she says she "covers for me." She doesnt know shit about the organizing that I have been involved in, and so she thinks that management legitimately hates me for some good reason, and she, being my fellow Chinese, does her comradely duty as a supervisor by "covering for me."

There's more to write. Will continue another time. For now, I just wished we had a Tunisia moment here at my work so all this pent up anger can come out in some way.

question to women revolutionaries

How do you show that you are tough,
and can run with the boys
but not replicate patriarchy,
and,
always remain humble?

or is there another way to think about this?
that doesnt individualize the burdens
and challenges
of women and queers
making our own in this
rough rough political world?

betrayal II

when the naysayers come into my life they are like quicksand,
sucking me
into this whirlpool of hate, anger and doubt.

and in my moments of quick, instant rage, i respond
i fling myself into this self-negating, self-destructive nothingness,

letting their twisted betrayals
split open my flesh
instantly.

but if i throw myself into this churning hole,
of scalding anger and hate,

how then

can i ever laugh deep from my belly,
speak with light in my eyes,
lay in tenderness with my lover,
and feel the weight of my body
deliver truth to my words
with no fear

how can i
feel my breath reach down
to sit at the bottom of my heart
grounding me
to
all that is true,
is genuine,
is loving
about this life?

these naysayers,
those whom i once loved,
i cannot trade you life
for a moment of righteous rage.

you don't deserve it.

~
i need to let go,
for 2011.

CNAs empowering CNAs!

I am just excited to find this blog, despite the American nationalism it oozes on the banner (I dont think most CNAs are flag-touting American nationalists), and the pretty white Florence Nightingale lady it features.
It seems like this site comes at it from a somewhat professional angle, but hey, it has a good name and maybe there are some gems in there.

But I have been thinking of how we can put out there, the experiences and struggles that we CNAs face on the job, and have it be seen as LEGIT, REAL and be part of this debate on healthcare, patient safety, quality of life etc etc. So I am looking around for models. If you have any advice, send me what you got!

So here it is:
CNAs Empowering CNAs
http://nursingassistants.net/

Let's talk about RACE in these nursing homes...these old white racists who wont repent at their deathbed. Check this out:

Indiana: Residents Cannot Pick Caregivers Based on Race

Published by Patti at 6:00 am under News

For all the “conversations” this nation has regarding race issues, it seems that this should not be a concern: Residents/patients having the “right” to chose nurses, aides and other caregivers based upon their race. But it happens, often. It’s wrong. It’s discriminatory. And it’s about time something changes to end this. Indiana recognized this and have made it illegal.

INDIANAPOLIS (AP) – Certified nursing assistant Brenda Chaney was on duty in an Indiana nursing home one day when she discovered a patient lying on the floor, unable to stand.

But Chaney couldn’t help the woman up. She had to search for a white aide because the woman had left instructions that she did not want any black caregivers. And the nursing home insisted it was legally bound to honor the request.

As usual, laws are written without legislators thinking of the consequences. It usually takes a few years for the full effect of these consequences to come to light.

Elderly patients, who won more legal control over their quality of life in nursing homes, sometimes want to dictate the race of those who care for them. And some nursing homes enforce those preferences in their staff policies.

The nursing assistant in this case sued the facility:

Documents in Chaney’s lawsuit, filed in 2008, say her daily assignment sheet at Plainfield Healthcare Center always included the reminder that one patient in her unit “Prefers No Black CNAs.”

Chaney, a 49-year-old single mother who at the time was helping to put her only son through college, initially went along with the policy despite her misgivings because she needed the money.

“I always felt like it was wrong,” said Chaney, who has worked in nursing homes since she earned certification in 2006. “I just had to go with the flow.”

The nursing home said it was just following a long-standing interpretation of the patients’ rights law. “The rules say this is their home and everyone else is just a visitor there, including staff,” said McSharar.

We work in a high stress field. No one deserves to be singled out for any reason, rejected and actually written off as a “patient right” issue. I’ve seen the opposite happen as well: Black residents refusing care from white (or Hispanic or Asian) aides.

An aide is an aide. A nurse is a nurse. We all have the same basic training and are fully capable of doing our jobs. It’s about time older people understand this.