Havent written in a long time cos real life world was sort of really tumultuous.
I decided to leave a group that I had been a part of for 5 years. It was for both personal and political reasons. I hope to put out something formal and public about this resignation soon. What matters is that for the past 4/5 months I had been stuck in a emotionally and mentally draining state of mind because of organizational lack of transparency, miscommunication and mistrust among members. It culminated into a poisonous and unhealthy atmosphere for me. When I asked for space to discuss/asked for support for my workplace organizing (which was an attempt to implement our class struggle politics, in practice), because this was completely new for me and I needed help navigating this new political project, I was accused of many unpleasant things. Zero support from a revolutionary organization that claims to be for class struggle at the point of production. There is a difference between theory and practice. For my own mental and emotional well being, I had to let go. The group that had once been my source of political strength had now became a burden that sucked my energies dry and led me into self-doubt and confusion in a very unconstructive way. We'll see where this road takes me. I still believe in revolutionary organization. Still believe in class struggle politics, in gender liberation and anti-racism and disabilities justice, and all the good hard things. Organization is a home that revolutionaries belong to. I left this one. It is sad and painful. But I need to be moving forward, moving, moving. I hope to build another home, another organization.
At work, I am just trying to survive the everyday now. I got a target on my back everyday and even when I am working constantly and getting the job done, the first words out of my nurse's mouth are always to imply that I am lazy or stupid. It is a daily wearing down. That's because they want to see me run around like a mad dog, taking their orders enthusiastically and rushing to get them done, skipping breaks if necessary. But I walk along the hallways, not run, and make sure to take my breaks. I talk back not for the sake of it (though that would be a good reason too!), but cos I wont let them blame all their shit on me or my coworkers, or stay silent when they contradict themselves in the same sentence and try to bamboozle us with their English. They hate me for being literate, and for being able to speak English.
This time round, the struggle feels more alone. They have intimidated so many of my coworkers. I keep telling myself not to stick out like a sore thumb cos then my head gets chopped off first. But I can't shut up cos they keep fucking up and trying to pin shit on me and my coworkers. Ahhh!
At some point, I want to write more about my supervisor/nurse, who is also ethnic Chinese and speaks Mandarin, like myself (though she is from a different country from me). She plays patronage/ethnic politics with me and I hate it. We are the only people who speak Mandarin in the workplace, which is predominantly Filipino and Ethiopian. The 2 sides of patronage politics are that it tries on the one hand to give people involved a way up the ladder/special treatment, but on the other hand, is based completely on familiar/familial ties and thus lends to abusiveness. Urgh. My nurse yells at me in Chinese, where nobody can understand, and tells me I am dumb and lazy. She thinks she can do that with me because we are both Chinese and she is "helping me learn." But damn! I am a fucking CNA, not a nursing student! And she can't shirk her own responsibilities on the job under the pretext of wanting me to learn the ropes! I already have hella work to do and I dont need to do hers too! I respond in English and tell her I dont want to speak in Chinese with her anymore. Dont give me any of that "we are one people" kinda bull. It's all on her terms and I want none of that game with flimsy rules. Call me naive. I'd take that over being so politically savvy that I get caught in a fucking web and can't figure out who I am. That's also it for any recommendations from this damn place for new jobs/nursing school. She was my one ally in management. But the woman kept trying to play it like she was doing me a favor when I know! I am a good worker.
It all started when one day, when we were short, I told her firmly I wouldnt be able to get the job done on time. Politely, but firmly. And she said I gotta change my attitude and whether we are short or not, she wants me to be enthusiastic and have a great attitude -- which means I need to run around, and not *look* relaxed.
One small thing led to another. She started telling me (and fucking stressing the shit out of me) that her boss always asks her about my work, about my attitude, whether I fuck up, and she says she "covers for me." She doesnt know shit about the organizing that I have been involved in, and so she thinks that management legitimately hates me for some good reason, and she, being my fellow Chinese, does her comradely duty as a supervisor by "covering for me."
There's more to write. Will continue another time. For now, I just wished we had a Tunisia moment here at my work so all this pent up anger can come out in some way.
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