Tuesday, March 29, 2011

"it's like being dead before you die"

Ab., one of my favorite coworkers, said this today of our former resident, O.C, who passed last night.


In the past month, we had a series of deaths among the residents. Old age, illness, they move on. One of the bitter jokes we say, is that, in the absence of extra workers to help relieve the workload, at least their deaths make our daily work easier -- less residents to take care of.

O.C died last night, but before she died, none of her family members had come to see her. In the past year that I have been at this job, working around this unit, I have never met her family. Save for some cards dated years ago that are pinned up on the bulletin board in her room, there are no memories, no signs of a life that was once lived.

So when Ab. said, sometimes, our residents are dead before they come here to die of dementia and illness, in our little sad deathfarm, they already have lost many things.

What do we have to show, for lives once lived, for passions once bursting, for ideas that were moments of breakthroughs, for the daily slog of life, for the many personal rebellions, for walking our own paths along the road less taken?

There is definitely something to be said for, the only thing you can do is to be a good person any and everytime you can. There is never a guarantee of reciprocity. We are lucky if we have loved ones around us.

I am afraid I will be one of those family members who forget about their parents. I think about my parents and their distance, their expensive, costly separations from me, and their cultural distance from this new place I call home. I dont know what to do.

I feel sadness too, that those whom I had built with for 5 years are now barely on speaking terms with me. Friendships broken and only shock, and some bittersweet memories left.

I am so emo!! Blame it on the ENFJ personality type!!!

I like listening to Sarah McLachan's Angel, and also Better than Ice Cream. Both songs encompass my mood right now, so here they are!


  1. =(

    i'm reading this at work and getting misty-eyed.

    i'm emo, too, and i definitely blame it on my personality type. i agree; all we have in life is this moment. let's just do the best we can, and in the end maybe we don't really need to leave a legacy of the lives we've lived.


  2. thanks RGB,
    you help me live my life in the present and not drift too far into emo-world:) I am thankful for that.